Donald Trump and the best ways to respond to being shot

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Look, all I’m saying is that if I was Donald Trump then I would have used the occasion of my first public appearance after being shot in the ear by wearing a giant prosthetic ear instead of what looked like a miniature pillow (like if you ordered an actual pillow on Wish). You know, for LOLZ! That or he should have worn a bullet as an earring. C’mon, this guy is a celebrity first and a politician second (OK, a politician 102nd), so he could have had more fun with it.

In all seriousness, it’s good to know that Trump has fully recovered and is back to making quality decisions such as picking J.D. Vance as his running mate. It must be great to be chosen as a potential Veep, unless it’s by a man who has just been shot and might feasibly (and understandably) say at a moment’s notice “you know what, I don’t fancy giving this speech as there’s a lot of roofs around, you take it, J.D.”

Also, D.J. Trump and J.D. Vance sound like the stars of a 1980s buddy movie about two stockmarket traders who have to go on the run after accidentally running over an old woman while out celebrating a deal to build a dam that would destroy a small town (are you sure about this? — ed).

Now, if I was in Trump’s shoes, I know who I’d want to come visit me after such a traumatic event … Nigel Farage! Perhaps he could bring a refreshing milkshake (it would have been thrown at him by a protestor, but it’s the thought that counts). It was heartwarming to see the likes of Farage and Elon Musk weigh in on the shooting out of genuine concern for Trump’s wellbeing (and not in any way because of blatant careerism).

“Maybe it’s time to build that flying metal suit of armor,” Musk said on X on Sunday, replying to a user asking him to “beef up” his security. Good idea but if it’s done with anything like the attention to detail he’s shown for his social media site, it’ll be made out of tinfoil.

Back to Trump’s shoes, and as he was being led away from the scene he could be heard saying: “Let me get my shoes.” He later clarified that “the agents hit me so hard that my shoes fell off. “And my shoes are tight.” Probably gout.

He also praised the security services, telling the New York Post that “they did a fantastic job.” Now we all have different definitions of what constitutes a fantastic job, but if your job is to stop someone being shot and then they get, er, shot, I probably wouldn’t expect a Christmas bonus.

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“That’s very kind of you, Mr. President, but I’m not Hillary Clinton.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“I hear Biden calls you Putin.”
“You should hear what he calls you, mate!” by Tom Morgan

Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.