Donald Trump stinks — and so could you!

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

What does Donald Trump smell like?

I imagine it’s a cross between cheeseburger farts and garbage can juice with just a hint of Calvin Klein’s “Obsession for Men” on top to try and mask the unpleasantness.

Adam Kinzinger, a former Republican lawmaker, was even more specific, saying that the Trump odor is “not good. The easiest way to explain it … take armpits, ketchup, a butt and makeup and put that … in a blender and bottle that as a cologne.”

Anyway, now there is an actual Trump cologne, and a perfume!

Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow started selling a candle called “This smells like my vagina”? Well Trump has decided not to call his fragrance “This smells like my armpits and butt,” and instead gone for Victory 47 (whoever wins this fall’s election will be the 47th president of the United States — classy!).

It costs a mere $99, and looks like the worst kind of tourist tat. The perfume bottle is shaped like a curvaceous lady (in case you hadn’t already thrown up inside your own mouth), while the cologne bottle features a gold (read: plastic) effigy of Trump’s head (in case you still hadn’t already thrown up inside your own mouth).

According to the official blurb about the cologne: “A crisp opening of citrus blends into a cedar heart, underpinned by a rich base of leather and amber, crafting a commanding presence.” Nope, me neither. The perfume, meanwhile, “captures the essence of feminine strength and elegance. Infused with a blend of light floral notes, hints of citrus zest, and a whisper of spice, this scent is for the woman who embraces her victories with grace and allure.” A bit like Stormy Daniels.

Alas, while you can order the smells, you’re too late to get your hands on a pair of “Never-Surrender” high-top sneakers, which have sold out despite costing $399. They sound ideal for anyone wanting to storm the  Capitol.

The running shoes were unveiled at Sneaker Con in Philadelphia, and Trump (who is much more con than sneaker) even turned up — and was roundly booed.

Why don’t EU politicians get in on the act? Is there anyone in the Brussels bubble who wouldn’t order, say, a Manfred Weber cologne that smells vaguely of disappointment, or want to wear Ursula von der Leyen sneakers emblazoned with the phone number of the CEO of Pfizer?

Elon Musk (who really should have a perfume with a surname like that) does have a scent, called “Burnt Hair” (probably smells of testosterone and tears). And then there’s a Putin-inspired fragrance called “Leaders Number One” (likely with whiffs of mothballs and deceit).

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“There you go, conscription papers for Madame Le Pen.“

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“Olaf Scholz’s joke, ‘Who’s this? It’s Michelle’ failed to elicit many laughs,” by Natasha Wallace.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.