Follow Chirac and Farage, not angry farmers, when it comes to music as a political weapon

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It’s not just voter interest that’s been missing from the EU election but also music. Ursula von der Leyen does not, alas, have a campaign song (despite this column’s repeated pleas for it to be Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf”).

It’s real misstep because if you get campaign music right, it can provide an electoral boost. Just ask Jacques Chirac (don’t actually ask him, he’s dead), who had campaign songs written for him such as “Jacques Chirac Maintenant Président” by Pascal Stive (1981), an absolute belter, a strings-heavy slice of Philly Soul with a fabulous spacey instrumental break and a catchy chorus. Altogether now …

La France a besoin d’un homme
De courage, de résolution,
Votons, Jacques Chirac,
En avant, toute la Nation.

Pour tous, Jacques Chirac,
Maintenant, président,
Ensemble, maintenant,
Jacques Chirac, président.

There was also“Chirac pour Paris” by Michel Paje (1977), a jaunty little number from Chirac’s mayoral election campaign that, if it was any more French, would be wearing a beret.

You know who does love blaring music when out making a political statement? Europe’s angry farmers. Your author was recently walking through the burning hellhole that is Brussels’ Place du Luxembourg (on a weekday morning, not after a big Thursday night out) and heard the Bee Gees’ classic “Stayin’ Alive” being played loudly. Great choice. But that seems to be the exception. This week the farmers were back in Brussels and, after a detour to the Atomium (“Balls to the EU!”) they made their way to the EU Quarter and past POLITICO Towers blasting out such monstrosities as “Barbie Girl” and “Baby Shark.”

Surely there should be no changes to the Common Agricultural Policy until the farmers get some decent tunes.

One man who knows how to use campaign music to his advantage is Nigel Farage, newly installed as a candidate for the U.K. parliament and still wiping away the stains after having a milkshake thrown over him (surely we can all agree that Farage’s milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard).

In a video posted on Xitter just before he announced his return, Farage said “don’t lounge around in bed, get out, campaigning to Nigel Farage’s Brexit Club Classics!” as he brandished a Spotify playlist of that name on his phone. Songs on the playlist, made by a user called Scott rather than by Farage himself, include “Out Of Touch”, “Troublemaker”, “Where’s Your Head At?” and “Didn’t You Once Lose An Election To Someone In A Dolphin Costume?” Well, maybe not that last one.

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“So just to check on the agenda, first we have a press conference then we go hunt some wolves?”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“No one expects le coussin whoopie,” by David Oastler

Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.