It’s a new year, and it’s already full of poo and barely concealed penises

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Happy New Year to you all from the 13th floor of POLITICO Towers. Declassified saw in 2024 in the traditional manner: at home, bare-chested, drunk and writing down a list of nicknames for when the inevitable happens and comedy’s great savior, Donald Trump, returns to the White House later this year. The Abominable Showman, anyone?

Speaking of people throwing shit around … Brussels police this week arrested a young YouTuber who filmed himself hurling buckets containing “diverse substances” including “paint, feces [and] food” at people on the metro. I know what you’re thinking, Brussels residents, having a bucket of excrement poured over me would be the highlight of my daily commute, so why has the young YouTuber (identified by his initials “Y.D.” — which I believe stands for “Yo, Dumbass!”) even bothered?

The incidents are believed to have taken place at Arts-Loo metro station (You’re fired — Ed).

Speaking of rabid attention seekers, a Russian singer who got in trouble for performing on stage wearing only a sock to cover his penis was arrested at a St. Petersburg airport as he tried to leave the country. He was not, as far as we are aware, wearing just a sock at the airport or that would have caused suspicion at passport control. Maybe his passport photo is of his penis?

Maxim Tesli, frontman of a band called Shchenki (The Puppies), was handed a 10-day prison sentence on the grounds of “petty hooliganism” — and Petty Hooliganism is actually a better band name than The Puppies.

Oddly, on its Telegram channel, the St. Petersburg court service described Tesli as “the hero with the sock” and said it was pleased that he had turned up fully clothed to the hearing.

This is becoming a thing (and by “this” I mean both wearing a sock on your dick and getting in trouble for doing it). In late December, the rapper Vacío showed up to an “almost naked” party dressed in only a sock covering his genitals.

Vacío was sentenced to 15 days in prison and fined about €2,000. After his scheduled release he was then given another 10 days on hooliganism charges, and then summoned to enlist in the Russian military. This is all terrible news for American rockers Red Hot Chili Peppers, who for years used to perform naked except for socks on their cocks.

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“You appear to have bitten off more than you can chew.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“Welcome to the ex-PM club Mr Sunak … ” by Matthew Barnard.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.