Meet the world’s newest superheroes: Seagull Boy, Alcohol Man and the Incredible Kebab

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It’s been a genuinely glorious week for Belgium. In particular, for the kind of ‘have they laced the water supply with LSD’ moments that are oh-so-common here.

First, a Belgian man was acquitted of drunk-driving because he has a rare condition called auto-brewery syndrome, which means the body produces alcohol. In what his lawyer described as “another unfortunate coincidence,” the man does in fact work in a brewery.

Then there was the glorious sight (although not sound) of a nine-year-old British boy winning the European gull impersonation championships, which was held in the coastal town of De Panne.

Part of his routine was lunging at a large cone of chips made out of foam held by his sister. Thank goodness Brexit didn’t derail the youngster’s crowning achievement.

Young Cooper Wallace said he wanted to become “Seagull Boy” after being bitten by one of the birds in the same way that Peter Parker became Spider-Man after being bitten by a spider. Not sure exactly what Seagull Boy’s powers are, perhaps eating his dinner from a bin and not being afraid of the occasional bit of cannibalism.

While young Cooper came back from his foreign trip with glory, German President Frank-Walter Steinmeier had a tougher time this week.

Steinmeier headed to Turkey to see his counterpart Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, despite the two having a frosty relationship and different stances on the conflict in the Middle East.

So Steinmeier did what anyone would do under the circumstances — and took a kebab chef with him.

I’m sure the German president was intending to show the positive impact that his country’s Turkish community is making in terms of culinary deliciousness. But it does look a bit like he’s saying ‘the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Turkey is kebabs — and that reminds me, get a pizza maker ready for the next time I go to Italy.’

Steinmeier admitted that he is partial to the occasional doner kebab “spicy or with garlic, depending on the other guests I have afterwards.” So now we know that if you have a meeting with the German president and he reeks of garlic sauce, he doesn’t like you that much.

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“I’ll give you €100 if, when she’s finished on the phone, you ask Ursula if she was talking to that bloke from Pfizer.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“I see here there are some really talented people in that jail. It’s gonna be really great. You just watch!” by Raymond Gallon

Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.