Need a late Christmas present? Try Westminster’s worst political merch

10 months ago 5

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LONDON – Christmas! A time for giving.

But what do you get the political nerd who has everything?

Take POLITICO by the hand and see what delights you too could be scrabbling around for days after the main event in a bid to prove you definitely, 100 percent care about and understand that total dweeb who keeps banging on about something called “Playbook.”

In Liz We Truss shirt

“In Liz We Truss,” says this fetching T-shirt, which presumably will last you a bit longer than the 49 days Britain’s disaster-prone Conservative former prime minister managed.

Far be it from us to suggest Tory HQ are offloading these on eBay en masse.

Sparkle with Starmer shirt

Hey guys, we’re not a humorless, technocratic political party led by a man Boris Johnson once described as a “human bollard.”

You see, we took an embarrassing party conference protest and turned it into a T-shirt, thereby owning the joke! It’s funny! We did a funny! VOTE FOR US.

Christine Jardine fridge magnet

Say it in style with a lo-resolution JPEG of the equalities spokesperson for Britain’s fourth-ranking political party — on a fridge magnet! “Suitable for both fridges AND freezers,” says the Lib Dem website hopefully. Yours for a bargain £1.50.

Margaret Thatcher bauble

Nothing says festive cheer like a £19 Christmas tree ornament mashing up an opinion on closer European integration with a Santa quote. Has the saving grace of being completely smashable. Also available in knitted sweater form.

Labour bauble

Who said Labour and the Tories are virtually indistinguishable?

Never wanting to be outdone, Starmer and co. offer a more worker-friendly £10 set of baubles adorned with the kind of rousing political slogan iconic post-War PM Clement Attlee could only dream of: “Win ‘24.”

There’s a badge version too, in case you shun the respect of others.

Lib Dem Christmas ‘card’

“Seasons greetings,” reads a font straight from the 16th century on this too-good-to-buy Snowman Christmas Card from the Liberal Democrats.

Three equally-sized Lib Dem logos act as buttons, while all the key snowman colors — grey for snow and a yellow for a carrot — get a look in. Microsoft Paintbrush circa 1994 called: it wants its mad design skillz back.

SNP snow globe

Gather the family around the fire and kick up an SNP snowstorm. Makes a change from this year’s endless SNP s**t-storm, we suppose.

‘Future Labour PM’ babygro

Well we came to sneer at this, but it’s “out of stock,” so somebody is clearly buying “Future Labour PM” babygro.

Perhaps it’s all the uber-loyalist toddlers being parachuted into safe seats.

Lib Dem earrings

Babe what’s wrong, you’ve barely touched your Lib Dem earrings? Great for engineering a painful breakup.

Keir Starmer flip-flops

It’s not just Labour who can make ‘em laugh! Those funny bunnies in Tory central office also know how to do a “humor.” This set of Keir Starmer flip-flops doesn’t just scream style — it’s actually also very, very funny.

You see, Starmer has a tendency to — and just stay with us here, it’s a very complicated joke — flip, and, indeed, flop, on matters of policy! So you see the joke is, well, that Keir Starmer “flip flops.” And so they put that on some flip-flops! What a riot! How can these guys be 20 points behind in the polls?!

A Brexity Tory Christmas card

Picture the scene: morning time. You hear the postman arrive. A card! Lovely handwriting on the envelope. A little snowman sticker for a seal. How thoughtful! Someone loves you. It’s auntie Julie’s writing. You haven’t heard from her in ages. You tear it open in delight. You see this.

You seal the postbox shut forever. You start looking for a new house. You weep.