New Olympic events revealed: Getting Dysentery, Taking A Brick To The Balls, and Not Being Very Smart

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It was inevitable that holding Olympic events in a river in which French people had recently threatened to shit en masse would be problematic.

Just weeks ago, this very column wondered if “getting dysentery” was about to become an Olympic event and that seems to be happening after the swimming part of the triathlon was repeatedly postponed because the Seine is just too dirty.

Presumably, Anne Hidalgo, the mayor of Paris who recently took a swim in the river to show that everything was fine, is now showering 100 times a day. But some athletes are so committed that they have been taking unusual measures to prepare themselves for polluted water.

American triathlete Seth Rider, for example, immediately became a hero to small children everywhere by admitting he wasn’t washing his hands after going to the toilet to “increase my E. coli threshold.”

Maybe the triathlon should just be scrapped and replaced with a new event: Being hit in the balls with a brick. Mind you, we already know the gold medal winner.

In the United Kingdom, a disgusting far-right protest in the town of Southport, following a knife attack that killed three children, did provide one moment of light relief (although very much not for the man involved).

You may well have seen the video of a middle-aged man in an ill-fitting grey tracksuit walking up to riot police and giving a taunting wiggle before karma intervened and he was hit on the head by flying bricks, one of which ricocheted off a police officer’s riot shield. Ouch, said everyone watching, that must have hurt but at least it can’t get any worse for him. Reader, it got much worse. Seconds later he was hit with another brick full-on in the groin with such force that John Wayne Bobbitt would have winced in pain.

Whoever threw the second brick should be immediately flown to Paris to join Britain’s shot put team (although, as the brick-thrower was hurling projectiles at police during a far-right rally, they probably wouldn’t want to go to the “woke” Paris Olympics, with its — checks notes — dancing, glitter and fun).

There’s another potential new Olympic event for which we already know the winner: Not understanding basic grammar.

Donald Trump has removed the bandage from his ear and is campaigning as normal (and I use that word advisedly). In an interview with Fox News, Trump was informed that Kamala Harris has “she/her” in her bio on X. He was then asked: “What are your pronouns?”

Trump replied: “I don’t want pronouns.”

“So, you’re fluid? What is that?” interviewer Laura Ingraham replied in what may well be the first intentionally funny thing someone has ever said on Fox News.

“Nobody even knows what that means. Ask her to describe exactly what that means,” Trump replied. Note his use of the word “her” — a pronoun!

Of course, pronouns are much more than weapons in the culture war, they help avoid repetition, provide context and make the meanings of sentences clearer — all things Trump struggles with mightily.

This was all before Trump’s now infamous interview in which he said Harris “happened to turn Black.” Of course, Trump himself “happened to turn orange” after spending too much time eating Cheetos.

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“Revealed: Emmanuel Macron’s first choice to play the semi-naked guy in blue paint in the Olympics opening ceremony.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.