The trials and tribulations of the Brazilian butt lift industry

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

This week’s nonsense comes to you from Istanbul in Turkey, a country that’s an amazing place to go for culture, for food and, most importantly, for getting your arse (or ass, if you will) made bigger.

Not content with being the destination of choice for the bald man who wants to return as a less-bald man, Turkey is now marketing itself as a top place to go for a Brazilian butt lift (BBL) — or to use its other, slightly less sexy name, a surgical fat transfer. Alas, the paymasters at POLITICO Towers refused my suggestion of getting a BBL while in Turkey and claiming it back on expenses.

There are now so many ads on social media for clinics offering the procedure that the U.K.’s Advertising Standards Agency watchdog has issued a set of guidelines which must be followed.

The medical profession is also worried. Nora Nugent, vice president of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, told the Guardian that “Turkish clinics advertise package deals including hotel and flights, and patients see what looks like a reasonable package. But what you are not supposed to do is promote it as a holiday or trivialise what it’s about. You are not meant to trivialise risk and advertise these operations as holidays.” It’s a surprise that Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary hasn’t already brought in a surcharge for passengers who leave with one sized ass and come back with another.

Of course, these clinics may just be getting desperate now that celebrities such as the Kardashians have reportedly had their BBLs removed. Perhaps a politician will replace Kim and Khloe as the, er, face of bum surgery.

Maybe we’ll see the following promotional blurb …

“I was fed up of being called the Haunted Pencil by low-rent newspaper columnists, so I had a Brazilian butt lift and my life has been transformed” — Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Or perhaps not.

Many politicians have, however, had cosmetic surgery, or have links to it. Most recently, there’s former French Health Minister Olivier Véran, who announced his next career venture at the Clinique des Champs-Élysées in Paris — a high-end clinic specializing in cosmetic medicine and surgery, which led to him being given the nickname “Doctor Botox.”

Véran was quick to defend his choice of new job, saying: “I won’t touch penises or buttocks, and I’ll be very far from breast implants.”

That sound you can hear is Silvio Berlusconi turning in his grave.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“And if you guess which card is under my hand, I’ll spare your life.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“Oh dear! Oh dear! Donald shall be too late!” by Frauke Weißleder

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.