The Undercover MEP: I accepted my pointless job title with pride

The first column in a series of dispatches written by an anonymous member of the European Parliament. 

Since arriving in Brussels and Strasbourg as a new member of the European Parliament this summer, I’ve been to a lot of receptions, shaken a lot of hands and forgotten a lot of names. Everyone wants to meet the 54 percent of the Parliament that are first-timers.

Though I’m not a spring chicken, nor a political newbie, I’m fresh to the EU bubble. That means I’m struggling with the lingo. When someone asked me if I wanted to join CULT I got worried. (It turns out it’s the Culture Committee — and the real cult is the Constitutional Affairs Committee, anyway.)

I won’t reveal much about who I am, except that I’m in an influential group — one where we believe we can impact the direction of the European Union over the next five years. Of course, I know that the European Commission and the European Council hold the real power. It was hard enough to get through the mountain of admin needed to actually get my MEP badge, so I’m keeping my ambitions in check. 

I know that the European Commission and the European Council hold the real power. | Johannes Simon/Getty Images

I have noticed how often people were glancing at my stomach, which made me worry I’d put on more weight than I had hoped in recent months. Maybe it was the stress of the campaign, I was thinking to myself. That was until a kind colleague pointed out they were merely looking at my dark blue badge, to check if I was indeed an MEP, as nobody recognized me.

The bigger the group the more power you have. But the longer your group meetings take, and the longer your esteemed colleagues wish to talk and talk, the less time to actually use your power.

The Parliament in Strasbourg is like a maze built by anti-EU populists. How can people understand Europe if they cannot even get around the building? I have just about worked out how to get to the hemicycle from my office. My office in Brussels used to be occupied by an MEP from a different political group — who was rather grumpy about having to move out since their group lost so many seats. Tough luck! 

In the month while I’ve been waiting to start, not a lot has happened. The most urgent tasks in these first weeks seem to be electing people to do the same jobs they were already doing. That goes from our group leadership to the Commission president.

Everyone gets some kind of honorific title. I won’t reveal mine, or you’ll guess who I am, but it’s safe to say it’s little more than a fig leaf to make me feel important. I accepted it with pride. 

I’ve also had my first contacts with journalists, though it seems press relations work differently on Planet EU to how they work at the national level. The way one gives information to journalists in Brussels is what is known as “on background,” meaning they cannot use it but you still get to influence the way they think. That means that if they do use it, a) you have plausible deniability and b) they feel guilty and you never have to speak to them again.